feelings of hopelessness

so i know that there are millions of people in the world that are dealing with MUCH more serious situations than i am, refer to my previous blog! However, i need to vent and let out my feelings so here we go...
September of 2007 i had a fall, on some cement stairs, and have since been dealing with knee and back pains. The dr. has decided to focus on my back since that is the worst part. Of course this does nothing for my knee pain, but i agreed that my back would be the first thing to be delt with. So here i sit almost 2 years later and i am no closer to being relieved of my pain than i was when it all began. I have gone through 4 series of physical therapy, massage therapy, mri's, x-rays, and a cortozone shot. The p.t. did nothing at all. The massage therapy helped but only for an hour or two after each session. The x-rays and mris have revealed nothing. A nd the shot made it ten times worse rather than any better. I am so beyond frustrated and i just do not know how much longer i can deal with this. Truely, I just want to be pain free and move on with my life. I am only 25 years old.. and i have to sit and stand and sit and stand like evry few minutes. i can not sleep through the night, even though my kids do. I can not enjoy playing with and holding my babies. I can not do dishes without increasing pain for cryin out loud! Everything i do causes my pain to increase and i am just feeling hopeless. Like i am never going to be able to live life that way i used to. I talked to Eamon last night and told him how i am feeling and he tried to make me feel better, with no luck! The next test i am supposed to be having is an emg. i do not like the way it sounds but I am also to the point that they can do whatever they want as long as they fix me! Oh man oh man oh man. I genuinely need a housekeeper or something to help with my kids and my home, not because it is to much to deal with, just because i can not do it. And the thought of that makes me ill. I have always wondered how people could just allow someone else to love and care for their kids. i want my kids to need me and want me to hold them and hug them and out them to bed and play with them, but i have come to the point that it causes far to much pain to do any of it. Of course there is no one else to do it, Eamon is our "bread winner" and we are in no way wealthy enough to hire help! Oh what to do what to do....
i know i have to "suck it up" and deal with it i just am beyond the point of being able to. And i can not take the pain meds.. they have all either not done anything for the pain or they make me pass out! Yesterday my sweet little Heaven made me smile and cry though. I was sitting up on the couch and my eyes watered up from the pain so i rubbed the tears out and she looked over to me from across the room and said," it's ok mama no cry. it's ok, i'll rub your back!" Like she needs to take care of me and not the other way around! My little nurturer!
Anyways I know there are much more important things in this world than my pain... i just needed to get this out of me to hopefully ease some of my hopeless feelings.... so far it hasn't helped! i just want to be better. Maybe the emg will show what the deal is.....til next time love to all!

good friends in need of help....

Dear Friends and Family, As many of you know, Ryan is currently undergoing treatment for T-Cell Lymphoma. His treatment plan looks like it will last anywhere from 4-6 months and maybe longer. With Ryan using all his sick and vacation leave, he will soon have to start using Leave WITHOUT Pay. However, he can receive donated leave from any FEDERAL EMPLOYEE (military, DEA, FBI, VA, EPA, Dept. of Homeland Security/ Justice, etc.) The more donated leave he receives, the longer we can go without having to start Leave Without Pay. Many of you have asked what you can do to help….well, this is what you can do- PLEASE forward this to ANYONE you know (and ask them to forward it on), post the message below on your blogs (and ask friends to post it on THEIR blogs), Facebook etc. I am hoping this will spread like wildfire and that we can get the message out to as many people as possible. You may not know people who work for the Federal Government, but someone you know may know someone who does. So please pass the message along: ***FEDERAL EMPLOYEES- PLEASE DONATE LEAVE TO RYAN HESS*** My name is Margie Hess, my husband Ryan was diagnosed on June 12, 2009 with a rare and aggressive form of Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Since this is an aggressive form of T-Cell Lymphoma, his doctor has put him on an aggressive chemo regimen that will result in him being unable to work for the next 4-6 months and possibly longer. At the time of diagnosis he was finishing up his 1st year as a Podiatry Resident at the V.A. in Tucson, AZ. Ryan is a devoted husband and father of two children, Hallie (5) and Max (2). By the end of this month (June 2009), Ryan will use up the last of his vacation and sick leave and will have to go on unpaid leave. Ryan is the sole provider for our family; I stay at home with both the kids. Without him working we have no income. I need to stay home to help care for him, so I cannot get a job right now, either. As difficult as it is for our family to have to ask for help, we have realized that we must do so at this time. We were told that any federal employee (ie: military, Border Patrol, DEA, FB I, Dept of Justice, EPA etc. EXCEPT Post Office employees) can donate vacation time to be used as sick leave for another Federal employee. We would be so thankful for any number of extra paid days we can accumulate. Thank you so much. How can you help if you ARE a Federal Employee? Go to your HR department and request to donate leave to Ryan Hess who works for the VA. (Your HR person will know the form that needs to be filled out- each Federal agency has their own form to donate leave) Once filled out and signed, the HR person will then need to fax or e-mail the form to: OLIVIA McCLURE - Benefits Specialist (TUCSON V.A.) Phone #: (520) 792-1450 x 6076 Fax # : (520) 629-1849 E-Mail : olivia.mcclure@va.gov ALSO, for those who are federal employees, please print out this message and post it in break/lunch rooms to help get the word out as well as emailing it to co-workers! How to help if you are NOT a Federal Employee: PASS this along to ANYONE and EVERYONE that you know and then ask them to pass the message along. Post it on blogs, Facebook...whatever you can think of. Thanks again everyone- this will help SO much! GO TEAM RYAN HESS!

ahhh the joys of specialists!

so i went and had another mri and some more x rays done on monday. it was great i walked out with the films in my hand and the report being faxed to the dr. problem is i can not get in to see him again til august 6th! i just need some news that all is fixable. like ok here is what is causing the pain and here is how we fix it! easy as pie. of course if things could be this easy it would be someone else's life! and then they do not return phone calls! man i should just get over it and deal with it i know, but it is very difficult to do when the pain is constant and so strong. anyways, as for the girls.. besides the fact that heaven doesn't listen and suneet is clingy and they are both sooooo whinny.. they are great! i need a break though really! they are drivin me nuts! lol... and really like can anyone explain why heaven is suddenly pushing and hitting suneet? she is generally so kind and soft and loving. did i somehow ruin her? we do not spank or hit our kids( sometimes i wish i could get over my hang up and just do it) so why is she doing this? eamon is still working like a dog and we are just truckin along as well as we can with our different situations! we will be celabrating our 4th wedding anniversary in a little under a month! wow! 4 years.... sometimes it seems like yesterday sometimes it seems like 100 years! lol.. i love him so much he is a wonderful man! his dad did a great job with him!
and on top of all of this i am getting ready for a rummage sale this weekend and for sunnet's golden birthday party august 1! i can not believe she is almost 1 already it breaks my heart a little bit that she is growing up. she is a dare devil let me tell ya. she climbs everything! she climbed into her high chair the other day while i was attempting to do some dishes.... she amazes and terrifies me..lol. anyways i will post again soon kids need me now! love ya'll and thanks so much for being interested enough to read about us!

let's see

so let's see if this will post now....
eamon is taking the summer off of school. which is a good thing since work is insane for him at this point. but he will be returning to gateway in the fall. i am so proud of how well he has been doing maintaing his grades while working 50 to 60 hours a week! and he is a great papa on top of it all!
i am doing well. and will be starting gateway in the fall as well! super excited though not many others seem to be so thrilled about me going to college.. no clue why maybe ya'll could answer that for me!? still having major issues with my back and it is getting worse rather than better which is extreamly frustrating. minor issues with my knees still as well but no where near as bad as my back and the knee pain comes and goes where as my back is constant! what a joy!!!
heaven is still my sweet girl! she is sassy but really a great kid overall... she has moods, but what girl doesn't! lol. she is so nice to suneet and so concerned when people are hurt or upset... she feels like she needs to make sure they are ok! i love it! she is doing GREAT with potty training now... finally! yay! generally she is in training panties if we are at home and stays dry!!! and she usually goes all day with only 1 change needed... if any!
suneet.. aka sissy... is just growing up so fast. she is walking more and more every day and now the babbling just goes on and on and on! she is such a smiley little girl. that is the greatest part of my day... whenever i see that sweet big smile spread wide accross her face and her eyes just sparkle at you. i had a cortozone shot this past friday and everyone was amazed with how she looked at them! the dr. was like she looks at you with her eyes like an adult like she is gonna have a conversation with you! it was funny just cause we are so used to it. she will be a smart one!!!
and i am super excited to say that eamon's brother dylan and his wife jj are expecting their first baby very very soon! we are so excited to have a boy cousin.... from the salts side of the family! cant wait to see little jack dylan!!!!!! love you guys!
so that is all i have for you guys for now but i am really going to try to keep everyone up to date as much a possible, so be prepared for some blogs!!!

just to create

this is on my nerves it will not post